Are you ready to get off the emotional roller-coaster?

I was standing in the empty front room of my house looking out the window but I really was not seeing anything. This was the first time in years I was home all alone. Really alone. It was the first weekend my now ex-husband had taken the kids for visitation.

The house felt empty. So lonely. It was the first time in the 14 years I had been a parent that I wasn’t “on duty.” I wondered — how the hell did I end up here? Life was not supposed to be this way. I was scared and afraid.

The last 10 years of my life had been miserable. I was drained from supporting a partner irresponsible with money and addiction. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and financially exhausted sums it all up.

The exhaustion of trying to keep together a marriage that had long ago fallen apart took its toll. That night I lay in bed and wondered — is peace possible? What would it even feel like to not have my soul in constant turmoil? Life truly had felt like a roller coaster. And I don’t like roller coasters!

That weekend I made a commitment to myself. I would get off the roller coaster. There had to be a happier way to live. It was no longer an option but a necessity.  The statistic that 50% of kids with one alcoholic parent also become an alcoholic scared the shit out of me.

My now ex-husband came from three generations of alcoholism. I wondered — if the generational cycles were that strong what chance did I have of shifting that?

Maybe it was an angel, maybe the hand of God…. I don’t know…but I did know that the key to giving my kids a chance at life was to begin looking at myself first. No. Matter. What. I was going to change how I did things and then hopefully that would rub off on my them.

I had no idea what I needed to learn next to make this happen. That is why I am a life coach today. Women like me who don’t know what’s next need a guide to help them move forward.

What I learned over the next few years was how to strengthen my personal foundation. (I’ll share 6 key areas with you in just a moment.) Each time I invested in myself and took on a new, healthier way of showing up in the world it leveled out the roller-coaster ride. After what felt like a year of hell on wheels … things with my kids began to settle down and I could see changes taking place in them. Life became less a series of ups and downs and more to be enjoyed and cherished.

6 key areas that helped me step off the roller-coaster:

1. Stop over helping.

OMG! I didn’t even realize I did this. I thought I had everyone else’s best interest at heart and was being “helpful” to others. (for example repeatedly bailing my former partner out of financial jams.) But the helping was met with resentment, never appreciated and taken for granted.

One very key lesson that gave me back a lot of energy was learning how to decide whether my helping was really helpful or was actually hurting and enabling. I learned to ask is: Can ____________ do this for him/herself? If they can do it they should do it. (I realize now by helping my ex out of jam after jam I was not giving him the opportunity to learn the lesson and experience the consequence of the behavior. I could have given him the freedom to figure it out for himself no matter how messy it looked)

2. Learn the difference between selfishness and self-care. 

One of my final conversations with my partner was about how I was choosing to take care of my own needs, health, and wellness first. He accused me of being selfish and self-centered. Giving myself permission to invest in myself and re-discover who I was helped me to reconnect with my own value and self-worth as a person. 

Here is a simple truth — put the oxygen mask on yourself first. We have all heard this cliche saying every time we take off in an airplane. Today I realize that when I am happy, tend to my own needs, and invest in myself — then I have an abundance of energy to give freely to others in a healthy way.

3. Identify and Set Boundaries

I was 36 before I understood what a boundary was. No one teaches this stuff at school, or at home for that matter. So I learned to identify what was harmful to me. I learned the skill to have honest conversations and how to set guidelines for what I would allow in my life. As a newly single person that meant not dating someone who had red-flag characteristics of addiction. It meant not communicating with some old friends who always brought me down.

Today I have many boundaries around me — I don’t have to think about them so much today though because they are just a part of who I am and what I allow or don’t allow in my world.

4. Let go of tolerations

Tolerations is a weird word. The first time I heard it I thought it was made up. But it’s simply this — what are you putting up with in your life? What have you put up with for so long that it now seems like a permanent part of your existence? I tolerated financial irresponsibility by my partner; my house being in a state of disrepair and the wishy-washiness of a close friend. Even my hair was never cut and styled quite how I wanted it.

Then I learned a beautiful thing — you can build a life that is toleration free! It takes some work and some time but today I “put up” with very few things in my life. Today, I carefully choose what I allow in my life. Understanding the next step on core values has helped me with decisions and what to stop tolerating.

5. What are your core values? 

Again — when I first was introduced to this idea of having guiding values in my life it was like a foreign language. We all have values we live by whether we have clearly identified them or not. Clearly identifying values gives you the power to make every decision according to them. This gives you an easy way to make decisions and weed out things that don’t match who you really are. 

I learned some of my personal values are connection, growth, freedom, security and adventure. Every opportunity or decision in my life has to align with those values or it’s an easy no. When something in life feels out of whack — it’s probably because it conflicts with your values.

6. Expectations and standards.

 There is an old saying that goes “we get what we expect in life” and it’s very accurate. One way to begin getting something different is to begin expecting something different. Now — this doesn’t mean putting your expectations on other people as that causes problems. What it does mean is expecting more out of life. Are you in a career that drains your soul — then expect that you can find one that energizes you. Do you always expect there to be a bill in the mail for any extra money you have? Begin expecting yourself to invest a certain percentage of every money that crosses your path (then act!)

Life delivers what you expect and it sure is a lot “juicer” and fun to experience when you hold high expectations for what it delivers. I love travel and adventure — therefore I expect opportunities for travel and adventure to come my way and they have!

Now you have it — the six areas where you can begin investing in your personal foundation and strengthening your life step by step. It can feel overwhelming when you get started. That’s ok. Just begin. Getting started is more important than how fast you go or how far you go.

Having support along the way is key to how fast you adapt and strengthen. I received support from al-anon, new friends with similar experiences, self-development classes, books, therapists, and coaches.

Are you ready to begin your journey? I invite you to check out the Ignite YOUR Life! Foundation series beginning soon. It’s a great opportunity to learn more about these six foundational areas and begin taking a few steps forward each week. I hope to see you there!