Last week I spent six days in the beautiful Rocky Mountains with six other women inviting abundance into my life.  We gathered there for a retreat focused on deeply personal and spiritual development work using the Bhakti Yoga Process.  After such an event, I always spend time reflecting on my greatest learning and takeaways.  Today I’m sharing my three most significant insights with you.   My personal and business work all revolves around growing myself and others to the greatest of their potential.  I’m stretched continously to new levels of inner significance and influence through Intense learning experiences. It’s a key part of the 7 Levels of Growth and personal development! First of all, let me explain what Bhakti Yoga is – and isn’t.  The practice is an ancient devotional practice with origins in India and influenced by Hinduism.  However, it isn’t a religion but goes to the root of spirituality beyond all religions – direct and personal connection (one-ness) with the Divine.  Bhakti Yoga isn’t a practice of physical yoga movements like you might experience at your local yoga studio.  It is a practice that combines learning and doing in very practical ways.  The overall mission of Bhakti Yoga is to create a space for you to deepen your connection with your personal divine and cultivate a state of unconditional love for life. The Process involves 21 points of contemplation.  Golden Phoenix Healing founder and owner Leah Marie guided those gathered for the retreat through these 21 contemplations. I’m sharing the three most meaningful contemplations with my takeaways in the remainder of this article!

1. Inviting Abundance through The Divine Hand in Life

Let’s start with my absolute favorite!  The Divine Hand in Life is simply the belief that the divine is taking care of us at all times.  This contemplation teaches that we are each traveling our own unique path for our own highest good.  Tosha Silver refers to this as Prarabdha Karma in her book “It’s not my money.”   Studying this contemplation reminded me that I’ve wrestled with limiting beliefs around scarcity and lack most of my life.  My intention going into this retreat was to find a permanent connection to the abundant flow of life.  After the group lesson,  I was intuitively guided on my own individual contemplation.  I drove to a place that overlooked part of the beautiful Grand Lake deep in the Colorado Rockies.  As I observed this beautiful lake, I asked my own personal divine to give me a meaningful insight to cement in this learning that I’m always taken care of. The answer arrived quickly!  The vast quantity of water in this lake is equivalent to all the abundance available to each of us.  Sometimes, I get in a space of fear and lack when there is a “forest fire” in my life.  I hesitate to use the resources I have because I want to conserve them for the future.  But here’s the illusion that I saw that day.  The water in the lake is always going to be replenished no matter how much is taken out.  It’s inviting abundance as a permanent flow.  The rain, next year’s snowmelt, the dew ….  They are all replenishing the lake of abundance in a never-ending flow.  

In the future, I choose to view all my resources from this lense.  Along with embracing this abundance insight, I’m using the mantra “Shower me with all forms of abundance and let me know I’m taken care of at all times in all ways.”

2. Seva

The contemplation on  Seva was also extremely meaningful to me.  Seva represents the idea of investing in helping or giving to others as a selfless act of service.  I used to be a huge over-giver so this one was interesting to relax into. Throughout my life, I’ve gone from unhealthy levels of giving to others (sometimes called co-dependence!) to intentionally choosing to give only from an attitude of joy.  However, as I feel deep into my soul, I can feel I hold back with acts of service for fear of falling into old over-giving patterns.  It goes back to that fear of lack and scarcity that I mentioned above – if I give to others will I have “enough” for me?  Whether that “enough” represents time, energy, money, or clients.   It’s like the analogy of pouring water out of a pitcher that I use often with clients.  If you are just pouring from a full pitcher there is a finite amount of water you can pour out.  However, if you have a source of water constantly filling the pitcher you can pour out an unending flow and never “run dry.”  We are inviting abundance into our lives through selflessly serving others knowing that what we give out we will receive back in many ways. So the key learning for me here is to always be mindful of connecting to the abundant flow and being willing to receive that nurturing flow so that I can always serve from a place of abundance instead of a place of lack.

3. Praising the Abundant Divine

The third key life-changing insight I’m taking away from this inspiring week-long retreat is on Praising the Divine.  The teaching that stood out for me is this: 

“When we consciously give praise and love to the divine, we create a circuit of love and praise that connects back to us.  It allows us to come into a state of fullness where we are able to feel the unconditional love the divine has for us in every moment.”  Golden Phoenix Healing; Bhakti Yoga Process

The idea is that when you show gratitude and praise that appreciation is reflected back to you in tangible ways.  You are literally inviting abundance into your life through gratitude and praise.  Yet, the appreciation must be given without expectation of receiving anything in return – from a place of non attachment.   During this contemplation, retreat guide Leah Marie encouraged us to feel into an area of life that we would like to shift and then begin giving gratitude for the divine providing this for us.  So I chose to thank the divine as my complete nurturer and provider.  Leah then challenged us to watch for specific ways this praise was showered back on us. In the next 48 hours, I experienced three tangible ways that my divine chose to nurture and provide for me!   1) I received an email offering me a slot into an orientation class in August.  This is an orientation I have been patiently waiting for…and kept being delayed! 2) My next confirmation came when a fellow retreat participant gifted me her brand new yoga mat! Before I left on the trip, I had made a mental note to buy a new mat before my fall travels.  Yet – now it was provided without me doing anything!   Thank you my friend for allowing the divine to flow through you! 3)  Finally, the third validation came on my drive home. I’m laughing and smiling still as I share it with you!  I chose to head over the mountain pass Trail Ridge Road on my way home from the retreat.  As I neared the summit I felt the urge to pull off at a little lake and take a quick hike around.  Odd, because I was focused on getting home and previously decided to not do any additional hiking. I’m learning to always follow that inner guidance even when it doesn’t make sense!  On my short hike around the lake nature’s calling became quite strong and I sped up to see if there were restroom facilities in the parking area.  I arrived to see yes there were facilities but they were being cleaned.  I chose to patiently wait.  After less than 60 seconds the maintenance person came out, held the door open for me and said, “It’s all cleaned and ready for you!”  Now instead of racing to the summit stop for the facilities, I enjoyed my drive there.  When I entered the parking lot at the summit I quickly observed a line of about 60 people. Curiously I searched to see what they were all waiting for.  Then I realized it was the line for the facilities!   CLICK!  At that moment, I understood the nurturing guiding hand of life had whispered to me to stop at the lake.  It already prepared a clean restroom for me before I even knew I needed it!

Wrap-up!

I love the retreat experience because it provides such an opportunity for intense learning and growth in a short amount of time.  It also gives me a marker from time to time to help measure my own personal growth.  Studies show that 80+% of what we learn we lose within 24 hours if it’s not implemented.  So, I decided to write this reflection to help cement these insights as new practices in my life.  I also hope they inspire you – if they have I’d love to hear about it! I’ve been home a few days and already I’ve let go of some typical worries. I’m inviting more abundance into my life by reminding myself I’m constantly in the flow, nurtured, and provided for.  Life is so much more enjoyable from this perspective! Well, those are just three of the many insights and lessons I am taking away from my week-long retreat in the Rockies.   Let me ask you – what have you done recently to invest in your own personal development?  If you are committed to growing yourself to your greatest potential like I am I encourage you to join me on the journey!   Follow Vicki’s Journey through The Becoming Unsilenced Podcast and find tools, encouragement, and community to help you discover your greatest potential through Transcending Limits LLC.  When you fear less, you become limitless. 

The post Three Insights on Inviting Abundance into Your Life appeared first on Transcending Limits LLC.

Recognizing and Healing Freeze, Fight, Flight, Faint, and Fawn Emotional Trauma Response behaviors.

This is Lesson #4 in the Courage to Change Series.  These lessons invite you to explore when and where it’s time for growth in your life and give you the courage to take action! The series offers lessons on the most common topics people ask me about in my work as a coach and provides insight and actions to implement with each lesson.

For additional reference on the 5 F’s of Emotional Trauma Response please listen to the Becoming Unsilenced Podcast Episode 3.

In the last Courage to Change Series article, The 7 Stages of Personal Development, we explored the various stages of growth that reflect conscious living.  The first three phases of development emphasize healing and making peace with the past.  In this lesson, we explore the emotional trauma responses that our body naturally employs to keep us safe.   We examine why these develop, what they are, and how to get off auto-pilot and instead live each moment as your brilliant, capable, self.

The 5 F’s are natural ways that our body is automatically programmed to keep us safe.  Things go wrong when these responses become automatic in situations that aren’t a threat.  They work great if you step off the curb to cross the street and suddenly see a bus barreling around the corner at you.  However, they don’t work so great when they kick in during a conversation with your partner and you can’t confidently express what you are thinking or feeling.

In the next section, we look at what these responses are and how they get off track.

Why the 5F’s Develop

Emotional wellness experts have described the 5 F’s – Freeze, Fight, Flight, Faint, and Fawn –  as emotional trauma responses. These 5 F’s protect you from experiencing pain by hardwiring automatic behavioral responses.  A fainting goat will faint in the presence of a threat or surprise.  Its muscles temporarily lock up.  Evolution likely developed this response to keep the animal safe from predators.  Although these responses seem automatic, awareness allows one to choose a more helpful response when danger isn’t present.

Under normal circumstances, the body responds to protect us.  But how does the body decide what to protect us from?  In our formative years, real or perceived threats that cause deep emotions contribute to developing trauma responses.  Trauma can range from simple to complex events for example:  being made fun of at school, your parent arriving one hour late to pick you up, or more extreme events such as a parent abandoning a child,  watching a parent struggle with an addiction, or experiencing a severe car accident.

Anytime the brain perceives a threat it responds with a safety coping mechanism.  With each repeated incident the strength of the emotional trauma response becomes deeper and increasingly automatic. Let’s take a look at the life of Janey to see how this happens.

A Look through Janey’s Eyes

At birth, Janey’s family looked perfect from the outside.  Behind closed doors at home things looked very different.  Janey’s dad had very strict rules and an explosive temper, especially when the rules were violated.   If Janey or her siblings stepped outside those rules Dad delivered harsh punishment. In addition, Dad never allowed Janey to explain her actions or share how the harsh rules made her feel. 

Janey’s mom tried to defend the kids but usually quickly acquiesced to peacekeeping instead of real change-making.  Mom coped with her own emotions about the situation by emotionally disconnecting and cooking.  So, whenever conflict emerged in the household – which was regular – mom disappeared to the kitchen to bake and cook and serve up food to help everyone “feel” better.

Let’s take a look now at how the 5 F’s of Freeze, Fight, Flight, Faint, and Fawn show in Janey’s adult life.

What are the 5 F’s of Emotional Trauma Response

This next section explores more fully the five emotional trauma responses and how they show up in adult life.

Freeze Response

First, let’s take a look at the freeze emotional trauma response.  Although it can mean physically “freezing,” it also applies to many other life situations. Janey, now an adult and married, experiences frustration.  She wants to share her thoughts, emotions, and ideas with her partner, yet finds the words stick in her throat.  At first, her partner demonstrated patience in trying to get her to talk.  These days he responds angrily and impatiently telling her to “just spit it out.”  

Janey’s inability to voice her thoughts demonstrates the freeze response.  To someone who doesn’t understand this, she’s just being obstinate and unwilling to talk.  Yet, Janey’s core challenge requires developing emotional safety.  This will allow her to speak freely respecting her own perspective, thoughts, feelings.  Instead, each time she desires to speak, the same automatic response that kept her safe as a kid kicks in.  

If that emotional trauma response had words it would be saying.  “Janey speaking up as a child was dangerous and caused severe punishment so now you need to stay quiet to be safe.”   It doesn’t make “sense” as an adult with a patient partner, yet as long as she allows this unconscious response it will appear as if it’s true.  The fact that her partner expresses anger and impatience with her seems like “proof” that she isn’t safe to speak.

Consequently, until Janey becomes consciously aware of this unhealthy freeze response and takes action to heal it, she will experience difficulty in close relationships.  This vocal freeze response will impact her interaction any time she needs to communicate with an authority figure.

While the freeze response keeps a person rooted in one spot unsure what to do next, the flight response keeps one on the run. Let’s take a look next at the “Flight” Response.

Flight Response

Run. Move. Avoid. Leave. Stop. These are all actions associated with the flight response.  It’s one we understand a bit more.  Common sense and instinct guide us when threatened.  But what if the mind has turned parts of everyday life into threats?  Janey often senses a restlessness that keeps her on the move.

Throughout her 15-year marriage to Jerry, Janey instigated frequent moves and held many unfulfilling jobs. Janey continually pushed to move each time because “something was not right” about the environment.  She imagined the next location would yield the  “perfect” job and the “ideal” place to live.

Frequent change distracts Janey from what is really happing inside of her.  The dissatisfaction she feels results from the automatic desire to run to avoid confrontation. The intimidating boss and outspoken co-worker cause her to shrink instead of speaking up.  She fears negative repercussions for voicing her opinions and ideas and instead keeps silent.  Sadly, this attitude keeps Janie from contributing her brilliant ideas and feedback. She lost a job recently because of her “lack of team contribution.”

So, Janey hunts again – telling herself that the next job, the next house, the next community will be the one that gives her a chance.  The truth is Janey will keep running until she stops to look deep enough inside herself.

It’s easy to spot in Janey’s story, maybe not so much in your life! Maybe flight isn’t your “go-to” emotional trauma response.  Instead, you may dig in for the fight! Let’s look at that next. 

Fight Response

Flee or fight.  It’s the age-old dilemma.  Should I stay or should I go?  Fighting simply means defending.  Nations go to war to defend against invaders.  We go to war with friends, co-workers, partners, and neighbors defending our values, beliefs, and opinions.  We tend to fight when we feel threatened whether the threat is real or perceived.  We fight to keep ourselves emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally safe.  But fighting means the other person automatically becomes an adversary.  

The emotional trauma fight response causes Janey to see situations in extremes.  Right or Wrong.  Perfection or not at all.  Conflict and criticism activate the flight response in Janeys’ brain causing her to feel attacked and threatened. The instinct it to attack back.

 Janey goes into fight mode after Jerry tells her to “just spit out what she wants to say.”  Now she spits out statements such as you never listen to me or quit bullying me.  Meanwhile, the true authentic feelings remain frozen in her throat.

Our culture tells us to “stand up for ourselves” and “don’t let your rights be violated.”  While all of these statements are true at one level, doing them from a fight response will never get the results hoped for.  In the lessons ahead, we will learn the skill of holding difficult conversations in a conflict-free manner.  We can learn to say everything that needs to be said with complete respect to everyone involved.

Faint Response

Previously,  we examined the flight response.  Here we will examine the often-overlooked faint response.  It took me a while to understand how this response was impacting my own life!  Yet it’s one of the most effective safety strategies that the body employs!  

Let’s go back to Janey and observe two ways the faint response showed up in her life.  Often, her father’s harsh rules and guidelines revolved around money.  The imprint of growing up in scarcity during the depression still ruled his choices even though money was plentiful now.

New was frivolous, second-hand, a virtue.  Young Janey even felt guilty asking for new shoes when needed.

She was excited to move out of the house and make her own financial decisions as an adult.  However, she often felt sick when she shopped.  The bright lights in one store bothered her.  Another one was too crowded.  Janey often felt dizzy and fuzzy-headed when she spent more than 30 minutes in a store.

As Janey learned about mindfulness on her healing journey, she found that difficult as well.  The moment she sat down to read a book on personal growth or do a short meditation she almost immediately fell asleep.

Both situations – the sick feeling while shopping and the urge to fall asleep –  were faint trauma responses at work. Her body learned it could protect her by making her sick or fall asleep.  Either option was easier than facing the old stories, wounds, and messages from her youth.

As we see with the faint response, our bodies have an amazing capacity to protect us.  These responses may have genuinely kept Janey safe as a child. However, as an adult, they hinder her ability to develop and maintain connections at home and at work.  Next let’s explore the least known trauma response:  Fawning.

Fawn Response

The faint emotional trauma response is lesser known than the freeze, fight, and flight responses.  Even lesser known is the Fawn trauma response.  You may identify betters with these symptoms: people-pleasing, overhelping, and inability to say no.  Especially women in western culture feel a heavy pressure to put others’ needs ahead of their own. The fear of rejection, the desire for approval, and peacekeeping are commonly at the core of this behavior.

For Janey, the fawn response developed in childhood because of her father’s abusive, overly harsh, and critical behavior.   She learned to please and appease him to avoid further conflict.  As a child, she kept the peace by saying what her father,  the authority figure wanted to hear. She kept her unique feelings hidden at all costs to avoid additional abuse and criticism. 

This became a pattern that repeats itself into adulthood and is often mistaken for a personality trait instead of trauma.  It impacts romantic relationships as well as professional ones.  Because people-pleasing, overhelping, and peace at one’s own expense can be misperceived as a personality flaw, even trained professionals sometimes miss it.

Janey often unknowingly responds to her husband in a fawning way.  She defers to what restaurant he wants to eat at, the color he wants to paint the house, and how the yard is landscaped.  Fawning keeps her safe, but really it leaves her feeling like a victim. It robs her of her own feelings, preferences, and individuality.  This is so deeply ingrained in her personality that she feels guilty when she chooses according to her own desire.

For additional learning and to see if you have characteristics of the fawn trauma response check out Psychology today’s blog post on this topic.

Awareness Is the First Step to Healing

Which one of the 5 trauma responses do you identify with most? It’s not uncommon to have one or more as dominant response patterns. Did you spot any of your own behavior in the examples?   Don’t feel overwhelmed if you did! Awareness is the first key to change!

In the lessons ahead, I’ll be giving new tools and techniques to help you release the grip of the 5 F’s on your life.  Depending on how deep the trauma is you may need professional help to heal the wounds.

For now, the most powerful tool that you can begin using is this.  Notice when a response kicks in.  Be curious about what was happening when it kicked in.  All healing begins with self-awareness.  One of the most powerful practices that dissolve old trauma is mindfulness.  Watch for that lesson ahead.

If you have read this and feel overwhelmed at what you recognize don’t waste another minute feeling alone in this! You can connect with me for a consultation through my website (Transcending Limits)   or seek out a professional near you with one of these backgrounds:  EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy), EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), or NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming).

In conclusion, understanding what the 5 F’s are, what causes them, and how they can powerfully run your life, is key to transformation.  It takes courage to look them in the eye, own their grip on you, and then take the needed action to heal.  Having the Courage to Change brings new freedom and joy to life that can never be experienced while the 5 F’s are in charge.  It is not easy but it is worth it.

The post The 5 F’s of Emotional Trauma Response Behaviors appeared first on Transcending Limits LLC.

Discovering 7 Stages of Personal Development

This is Lesson #3 in the Courage to Change Series.  These lessons invite you to explore when and where it’s time for growth in your life and give you the courage to take action! The series will offer lessons on the most common topics people ask me about in my work as a coach and provide insight and actions to implement with each lesson.

For additional reference on this topic please listen to the Becoming Unsilenced Podcast Episode 2. Apple, Spotify

The story of the 4-minute mile always amazes me. If you’re not familiar with it, the story goes like this: Since 1886 runners had been desperately trying to run a 4-minute race. They hired special coaches, strategized, and tried again and again. Then along came Roger Banister. He was criticized for being a “lone wolf” and doing things his own way. Yet on May 6, 1954, he broke that impossible barrier and completed a mile race in under 4 minutes. It took 78 years of intense focus for it to be done — and only 46 days for the new record to be broken again by John Landy.

The reason I begin this lesson with this particular story is to draw your attention to perspective. Your perspective. You may be accepting something less than what’s possible for you — just because of the mindset and environment that you exist in. Bannister most likely would have never broken the record if he wasn’t surrounded by people who believed it could be done.

It’s easy to believe we are not impacted by mindset and environment until we look a bit deeper. Here are a few observations from my own life:

• I delayed ending an unhealthy relationship because the religious culture I was raised in disapproved of divorce.
• I tolerated being paid less in the workplace because I was a female.
• I encouraged my kids to follow the same higher education path that I did because it’s what I was familiar with.

It’s human nature to act within the comforts of our environment and what’s familiar. Yet, often we are “comfortably uncomfortable” in that environment. We don’t like it but don’t really know how to create change.

The Map!

Here is a simple truth. If we don’t have a map for what’s possible then we don’t have any measuring stick to know how it’s going or even where we can go. What’s possible for you is unique and can only be determined by you. In the end, it’s up to you to go out and discover and create that! This lesson, though, is intended to give you some inspiration. It will help you gauge where you are now and inspire you to the possibilities ahead.

The map that I’m providing here reflects stages of growth that individuals, families, communities, and organizations go through. These seven stages are referred to by some as the levels of personal consciousness and by others stages of mastery. The foundation of the differing models is Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Continual refinement and updating of Maslow’s model led Richard Barrett to create his own version.

Refer to the Image to see how Richard Barrett of the Barrett Academy for the Advancement of Human Values defines the 7 Levels.

The 7 Stages of Development

The 7 Stages of mastering life can be divided into three different phases: Healing, Strategy, and Life Mastery. The Healing stages focus on resolving and healing the past so we no longer act from past trauma, unresolved issues, and fear. The Strategy stages are all about living authentically and aligning life with your gifts, talents, and life purpose. Lastly, the Life Mastery stages are about total life mastery. Influencing and using your gifts to serve the good of those you travel with.

Let’s take a look at each phase!

The Healing Phase: 1, 2 and 3

First, let’s look at each of the levels in the healing phase. It is important to note that we typically move through the stages consecutively but not necessarily linearly. Meaning that there is no definitive “line” that identifies where one stage stops and the next one starts. In reality, the growth from stage to stage is like the blending of colors in a transition. It is also possible to temporarily shift back to a lower stage when faced with an unexpected event, a new set of circumstances, or dealing with healing a new level of past trauma.

For example, an individual who was at stage four/transformation when Covid 19 arrived on the world stage in 2020 now lost her job. This may temporarily bounce her back to stage 1, 2, or 3 while she regroups and finds a new path forward. The good news is the more time one spends in a higher stage the less likely it is to bounce back to an earlier stage for long and even less likely to get stuck in that earlier stage. I had a wise old woman at an Al-anon meeting tell me years ago, “Once you wake up you never go back to sleep.” You can’t unsee something you have seen.

Stage 1 of the 7 Levels of Personal Growth:  Survival/Restoration

Barrett calls this the survival stage. This makes complete sense from a physical perspective. Until we have the basic needs of life met it’s difficult to focus on other areas of growth. Another model by CoachInc. calls this the Restoration level. It’s the first level of the healing stages. A person at this stage is actively working to resolve past trauma, leave behind addictions, compulsions, and attachments, and finish all unfinished business. Think of this as the baby steps of waking up to a greater life.

Personal growth is sometimes compared to peeling the layers of an onion. This would be the first layers of that onion! It’s a stage where these issues may be recognized and begin to be addressed proactively:

• toxic relationships
• generational issues
• codependency
• self-doubt
• trauma — childhood/adult or both
• addictions (substance, food, money, people, ?)

This stage can feel overwhelming when one begins to clearly see the reasons for personal suffering. It’s also a stage of great hope for those who have been running circles on life’s chaotic hamster wheel! Age has nothing to do with awareness. One could recognize this stage in their 20’s or in their 60’s! It may be tempting to bemoan how much life slipped by or say things like “I should have recognized it sooner.”

Yet, the greatest grace we can give ourselves is to realize this. We each do the best we can with the information we have at any given moment. When we know better, we do better.

Resolving the issues that are recognized in Stage 1 leads to practical life application in Stage 2.

Stage 2 of the 7 Levels of Personal Development: Stability and Relationships

The growing awareness and changing choices that result from stage 1 bring stability to life in stage 2. This is the second of the healing stages and a skill-developing stage. It’s also where active work happens to solve conflicts in relationships, stabilize financial situations, and release what doesn’t work. It’s about letting go of people and situations that don’t work anymore, and welcoming new friendships and situations that show up. It is characterized by learning new skills such as:

• Clearing recognizing your internal critic
• Mindfulness
• Shifting from a negative lens to a positive one
• Defining stronger personal standards
• Learning to Take care of self before others
• Establishing Boundaries
• Growing Communication skills

This stage comes with great enthusiasm! There is usually a sense of hope and relief that emerges. What seemed unchangeable is now changeable. This is a powerful time when we realize that we have the oars to paddle our own kayak!

Stage 2 sets the foundations for deeper understanding and connection that emerges in stage 3.

Stage 3 of the 7 Levels of Personal Development: Self-Esteem, Connection, Emotional Maturity

Stage 3 is an exciting space. It’s the phase where we begin to make decisions and live life more from our own internal desires and less from the hopes, rules, and guidelines that others have placed on us. In stage 2 we realize that we have the kayak paddle and we begin to learn how to use it. In stage 3 we learn how to steer with it. We begin paddling in a determined direction instead of letting the river bounce us around.

It’s all about taking responsibility. It’s also about recognizing that the distorted negative perception we have of ourselves is not real. (Watch for the lesson on Cognitive Distortions for deeper learning on how perceptions become distorted!) This realization leads to a new healthier belief in one’s own abilities and embracing new possibilities. It’s a time of reframing and letting go of old limiting beliefs and inviting in new.

It’s a time to leave behind arrogance, statues, power, glamor, and rigidity and instead embrace pride in who you are, develop self-reliance, and self-discipline. These new beliefs are the foundation for new choices and new actions in life!

There is a sense of being connected to something greater than yourself that grows stronger each day.

For me, this stage was characterized by realizing that my own happiness was worth prioritizing. I was worth making choices in my own best interest and I no longer needed to sacrifice my own desires and needs for others. I remember the day I was sitting in the back of a large meeting room listening to a speaker give a talk on heart health. I was only faintly listening when her words cut through my mental fog like a knife.

“You are worth the life you have yet to live.”

So let me pass those words on to you today. If you are reading this and struggling with direction and clarity in your life take these words from me. YOU are with the LIFE you have yet to LIVE. Your dreams, desires, hopes, and opinions are important and worth prioritizing. What would change in your life if you began to make decisions with your own happiness as your number one priority?

By the way… in case your internal critic is squawking about how selfish this is — I’m here to remind you that you can’t give to others what you don’t already possess. Do you want those around you to live a joyful, happy fulfilled life? You give them the permission and map to do that by first doing it yourself.

The Healing Stages lead to a full-scale life transformation in stage 4!

Finding Life Strategy — Stages 4 & 5

The earlier stages are characterized by healing, overcoming negativity, and limiting beliefs. Stages 4 and 5 shift into self-discovery and life strategy. It’s where one gets to take a look at life and own the direction for the future. What’s working? What’s not? This phase is about learning who you are, loving who you are, and discovering what makes you unique. Life areas that get a major upgrade in these stages are self-trust, values, alignment, and purpose.

Let’s take a look at the strategy stages in a little more depth.

Stage 4 of the 7 Levels of Personal Development: Transformation and attractive self-assurance

This stage is where the beautiful butterfly breaks out of the cocoon and begins to flap her wings! She looks in the mirror … sees herself for who she truly is and then has the confidence and poise to go be HER in the world.

There is nothing more attractive in this world than showing up as Who. You. Are. With this newfound confidence, events in life that used to feel difficult, complicated, and “bumpy” take on new meaning and a new sense of ease and synchronicity. It’s the phase where we come out of hiding. We Become Unsilenced. This journey of authenticity is what inspired my podcast: Becoming Unsilenced and Awakening to Who you Really Are.

At this stage, we drop the fear of showing up in the world and fear of what others think. Discovering and living out our own purpose and passion takes center stage. It’s a beautiful thing. Gifts, abilities, and talents that remain unexpressed because of fear are a great loss to the world.

So this phase can be explored by questions like — where is my outer world still out of harmony with my inner world? For me, things that shifted in this phase were: my job! It’s when I pursued additional training as a coach and shifted my work towards solely supporting others in discovering and uncovering their own transformation.

It’s also when I up-leveled the relationships and community I surrounded myself with. It was time for me to let go of connections that didn’t respect or appreciate my voice. I created my own new zone of community that was committed to inspiring each other forward.

It can feel like a lot of “work” to get to this phase! Because of this “work,” we discover here that there is a different way to do life instead of hustle, grind, and run 24/7. This phase is about discovering a beautiful new balance of being vs just doing. It’s about your soul being in harmony with itself.

It’s time to exit stage four when you have harmony, authenticity, and alignment in all your “worlds.” When your financial, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual inner/outer worlds are in sync — it’s time to invite in stage 5 or Life Strategy: unlimited growth and expansion.

Stage 5 of the 7 Levels of Personal Development:  Internal Cohesion and Unlimited Expansion

Stage 4 is the tipping point. The first three stages are characterized by healing and overcoming negative thoughts, understanding emotion, and releasing limiting beliefs. In stage four we leave behind fear as a primary motivator and instead begin to live driven by love, compassion, and possibility.

When life is balanced and aligned then we invite significant growth and expansion.

We all know that person who is extremely gifted in a few areas but just can’t seem to get it together in one or two other aspects of life. A person’s personal development will only be as strong as the weakest area holding them back. With attention and commitment to growing all areas of life, we reach internal cohesion. It’s a place where what we create is driven by our purpose and passion instead of fear and worry. It is characterized by exploration, curiosity, and discovery.

Judgments about self and others have no place here. Instead, we are able to embrace the joyful side of life with humor, passion, and radical authenticity. It’s not that things never go “wrong” but they are now seen more as detours in the right direction. Curious events that lead to unexpected people, places, and results.

This stage is characterized by a deepening trust in one’s intuition, decision-making ability, and acceptance of a deeper more beautiful rhythm and flow of life. It’s a stage where we leave behind the unhelpful punishing analysis and accept that the right people, answers, and opportunities will appear exactly when they are needed.

We Relax. We Trust Life. We Enjoy.

From this beautiful solid place of harmony, we move to stage 6: Making a Difference.

Life Mastery — Stages 6 & 7

As we enter stage 6 we shift into the mastering life phase. It’s a beautiful rewarding phase where we get to enjoy the fruit of all the healing and discovery. It’s characterized by a deep sense of inner peace, fulfillment, and freedom. Fear, suffering, and failure no longer take up any mental space in your head. It’s about being completely confident in your life direction and completely flexible about how the direction unfolds!

Stage 6 of the 7 Levels of Personal Development: Fulfillment and Making a Difference

For me, Stage 6 has been characterized by learning the meaning of being and embracing a more spiral way of showing up in the world. Learning to be completely present with me, and what’s unfolding around me. It’s been about dancing WITH the rhythm of life and embracing both the masculine way of doing and the feminine traits of being.

Some other common characteristics of this stage are increased empathy, living fully from inner guidance, mentoring others, and time and money freedom. It’s a phase where your presence can say more than your words! Listening to the heart of others is more important than demanding your voice and opinions be heard. Yet the very act of listening deeply leads to a greater opportunity to share your wisdom at the right moment when it will be heard.

Decisions are made because they align with your higher authentic purpose. They are not driven by the balance of a bank account or dissenting opinion of a friend.

Others make seek you out or be attracted to you for the wisdom they sense you can share with them.

It’s’ not about being a public figure or a well-known author. For one person fulfillment may be found in the nourishing relationships that are developed with grandchildren. For another, it may mean teaching their wisdom through more formal mentoring and teaching. Yet’ another may choose to live his fulfillment by walking the beach every morning assisting the sea creatures that are stranded.

The simple genuine authentic desire to serve others to your greatest potential seeds the way to the final stage of Life Mastery — Stage 7: Contribution and Service.

Stage 7 Of Personal Growth and Development: Contribution and Service

Not every human being experiences all 7 stages. It may take several lifetimes of growth for a spirit to move through these stages of evolution and development. It’s an extremely rewarding place to arrive when one gets there. It’s about leaving a legacy and impact for the generations to come.

One of my favorite sayings I’ve developed over the years of working with people is this: Hurt people hurt people. Healing people heal people. Now, I’m going to add to that to say fulfilled people are the transitional characters that reshape future generations.

Dr. Carlfred Brokerick, Ph.D. coined the term Transitional Character with this definition: “A person, who in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. Who somehow finds a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold. Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.”

My Dad fulfilled his role as a transitional character for our family. He made the quiet choice every day not to repeat the cycles of abuse and toxicity that he experienced as a child. No doubt it’s why I’m able to be here today writing and sharing this lesson for you.

Then there are the other, more public figures and authors that have influenced me with their great legacies: Wayne Dyer, Michael Singer, Oprah, Mother Teresa. Each of us has our own list of recognized and not-so-recognized people who have made a unique impact on us.

Living a life of legacy and contributions is a great privilege. Some cultures survive off the traditions of the elders and masters being passed down as a right of passage. Other cultures have lost some of the respect and appreciation for those who have spent a lifetime gathering wisdom.

Most importantly — what do you choose? A desire to live at stage 7 comes not from a desire to be famous and recognized, but from a spirit of desiring to support all humanity to discover their greatest potential.

Let’s Wrap it up!

So there you have it — a map of the three phases and seven stages of life that are possible for you. Did you recognize yourself in some of the phases yet not others? No doubt you have an inner sense of knowing which stage you are in right now. This can act as a GPS for you. Discover where you are at now and set your growth GPS to a new stage.

Journal Activity: Spend some time journaling about how these stages relate to your own life. Explore questions like — where am I now? What would need to be resolved to move to the next stage? What would my life be like at each stage? What would no longer need your attention? What could you give your attention to that you can’t now?

In the lessons ahead, I’ll be guiding you on topics and skills that you can have the Courage to Change that will move you from one stage to the next. Growth is all about discovery and enjoying the journey. Although we have identified a “GPS” point or general direction to head, the goal is not the arrival at that point. It’s about the spirals of learning, enjoyment, and growth you go through on the way to that point.

The destination is always shifting — when you get to stage 5 your perspective, vision, and destination will look different than they did from the perspective of 3 or 4. That’s okay and to be embraced and expected. It’s also why I don’t want you to get attached to “arriving” at a particular stage but just being present with the stage where you are at now holding the intention to grow to your greatest potential.

So, I invite you to continue on this journey with me. It takes courage to grow. Not everyone chooses it. I won’t promise that the path is easy or pain-free. However, leaving behind the weight of the past invites ever-increasing joy, satisfaction, and happiness.

In the next lesson, we will look deeper into the 5F’s of Emotional Trauma Responses: Freeze, Fight, Flight, Faint, and Fawn. I’ll see you there!

The post The 7 Stages of Personal Development appeared first on Transcending Limits LLC.

How science and new tools can free you from being run by your emotions.

This is #Lesson 2 in a series of lessons that invite you to explore when and where it’s time for growth in your life. The series will offer lessons on the most common topics people ask me about in my work as a coach and provide insight and actions to implement with each lesson.

I had a love-hate relationship with my emotions until I began to see and understand that truly they are the spice and music of life. At one point in my life, I chose to quit feeling any emotions. Numb seemed like a better option than feeling a tornado of emotions that I did not know what to do with. Today, I no longer fear emotions but welcome them as friends that truly bring full color to my world.

In reality, even though I was not allowing myself to feel, I still was making decisions based on the energy of those emotions. Today, I understand and respect emotions for the beautiful gift that they are. They are not here to consume, control, or be the reason we make or don’t make a decision. They are here as messengers, indicators, and outlets.

Losing a loved one without experiencing sadness, tears, and grief would not honor the loss and the bonds that were shared in life. Just as not celebrating the birth of a new baby with joy, excitement and hope would not do honor and justice to the new life.

So, in this conversation, we are going to discuss emotions from several different perspectives. First, we are going to learn what happens in your body when you feel an emotion. Second, we are going to look at what happens when we have stored old emotions and not fully felt them. Last we are going to look at the practice of being fully present with emotions in everyday life.

A word on cultural conditioning before we begin…..

Our western society is making progress on the practical awareness of emotions. However, we are still falling dreadfully short in the practice of allowing them and not judging others and ourselves.

My family recently mourned the transition of my father. It was interesting to me that even in an “emotionally aware” family some strong feelings of shame emerged over the grieving process.

Statements like “stop crying — you are sooo sensitive!” leave a lasting impression. Not to mention if you have ever been shamed for showing emotion in the workplace — heaven forbid we actually show our humanness!

Even though emotional awareness IS growing there is still a huge amount of resistance and a lack of understanding about how to be with someone who is experiencing emotion. Too often we take it personally when it has nothing to do with us or we jump to trying to fix something that is none of our business to fix.

The greatest gift you can give is to “hold space” for someone experiencing their emotions. To “hold space” simply means that you are present with yourself or someone else without judging whatever way the emotion is being expressed at the moment. (It’s ok to guide someone expressing anger physically to punch a pillow, break an egg, or smash an old dish.) You are not taking the emotions personally or trying to change what’s happening or call it bad or good. You are there for as long as they need you to be.

Although emotions can seem all-consuming, they really are more like waves. They rise in intensity and then eventually subside. Allowing yourself to ride this wave up and back down means you are allowing the full cycle of the emotion.

Problems come when one doesn’t allow the wave at all or cuts it off mid-cycle. Then it gets stuck inside of us as an unfelt emotional pattern. We will be discussing this in more detail in the section called “What Happens to Old Emotions that are not Fully Felt.”

But first, let’s take a look at what physically happens in your body when you feel emotions and why one can truly be addicted to a particular emotion.

What happens in the body when we feel an emotion

Understanding the science of what happens in the body and how it impacts thought and emotion has been life-changing for me. It helps to explain those moments when you really desire to be nicer to your crabby neighbor and fail anyway! By understanding how amazing our physical body is we can partner WITH it to create change instead of giving up on what is not understood.

Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work describes the hypothalamus’s role related to emotions. It is considered a mini-factory that creates unique chemicals to match each emotion. So when a human being feels jealousy an equivalent chemical that matches that emotional state is produced.

The moment a chemical — called a peptide in scientific terms — is manufactured; the hypothalamus distributes it through the pituitary gland and into the bloodstream. Through the bloodstream, it is distributed throughout the body to every cell.

Every single cell in the body has peptide docking stations and when the chemical/peptide docks it locks onto cells like a lock and key sending signals directly into the cell. It’s why before a person even consciously realizes a feeling of jealousy her palms may be sweating and a sick feeling in the stomach is already present.

When a cell consistently experiences the same peptides docking, it develops more receptor sites for those particular peptides and does away with the ones that are less frequently used.

You may have heard the term “addicted to sadness” and this literally happens when over time a person’s cells have adapted to more easily “feel” the sadness chemicals. The great news is that our body quickly adapts and regenerates. It’s why practices such as gratitude are so important. Pausing regularly to focus on what you are grateful and happy about is one way to begin training your brain and body to more dominantly feel happiness by generating the equivalent peptides!

It’s also why understanding our body is so KEY to creating change! Now that you know what is happening scientifically it becomes easier to see why consciously being aware of emotions is key to inviting in more joy and happiness in your life.

If you would like to explore this science more check out the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Candace Pert.

What happens to old emotions that are not fully felt

Now we are going to shift from the physical science of emotions to the energy of emotions. Emotions have been described as energy in motion. Let’s think for a moment — do you have a preferred color for the car you drive? Is there any color of car that you refuse to drive?

I met a lady once who absolutely refused to drive a red car. I got curious and asked why only to discover that her ex-husband that she was still very angry with drove only red cars.

Her refusal to drive a red car didn’t really have anything to do with the color red. It had everything to do with the energy of the emotion of anger she was holding on to. Two of my favorite teachers each describe what’s going on here in different terms. We will take a look from both viewpoints.

The Pain Body

Eckhart Tolle says this about emotions “Any negative emotion that is not fully faced and seen for what it is in the moment it arises does not completely dissolve. It leaves behind a remnant of pain.” The pain-body can then be described as an energy form that lives inside most human beings that is comprised of unprocessed emotions. These emotions come from our own lives, the lives of our ancestors, and the cultural conditioning of the world in general.

My grandparents survived the hard times of the depression. My Grandpa always carefully cut the wrapping paper off of any gift and my Grandmother dutifully saved every bread bag and twist-tie. There are moments today when I am ripping a gift open or disposing of a bread bag that I have a prick of guilt around this. I am the second generation removed and yet some lingering energy from their fear of lack during this time is alive in me.

That’s a small example. On a larger scale imagine a person who was raised by an alcoholic parent who was never completely present for them. She grew up witnessing arguments and maybe even violence. No one taught her how to deal with emotions — in fact, they were not safe to even show.

Today that woman is a grown adult with the energy of all of those unprocessed emotions alive within her. It’s why she prefers to remain single because as soon as a date does something that activates this unprocessed pain — even if what the suitor did was harmless — the pain body takes over and runs the show. She ends the date; blocks him from contacting her and goes on telling a sad story about how she will never find a suitable partner. That is the pain-body in action.

In the lessons ahead we will look at ways to begin dissolving this pain but if you are eager to learn now I highly recommend any video or book written by Eckhart Tolle for additional learning.

Samskaras

Michael Singer is the other source that I have learned so much about undissolved emotions from. In his book, The Untethered Soul, he describes emotions as samskaras, or for better visualization, we will call it an arrow of energy.

Let’s take that same red car example. The story goes deeper. The woman hates the red car because she saw her ex-husband and another woman driving in the red car. When the original event happened her heart was hit with a huge arrow of emotion. Anger, fear, jealousy all wound together. That arrow lodged deep inside of her. The same day she also saw blue and green cars but those impressions processed right through her because she did not assign them any emotional meaning.

But now she has to protect herself from feeling the energy of the red-car arrow lodged deep in her heart. So she drives a crazy path to work every day to avoid the small chance of seeing her ex and his red car. She went on a date the other day — but the suitor pulled up in a red vehicle and without realizing it she unconsciously assigned the guilt of her husband to him because of his red car. There is no second date. This reinforces her story she tells herself that every man is “just like her ex.”

All along it was her elaborate defense mechanism to keep anything from touching that deep wound in her heart. She can change and heal when she recognizes this. She realizes that resolving the past releases the arrow lodged in her heart. Then healing happens. One day she may even end up dating a man who drives a red car and laughing about how silly she used to be.

Whether you being to view undissolved emotions as the pain body or a samskara you can begin to heal. Evolution happens when you find the balance between feel emotion and let it pass through like a wave instead of getting stuck in it.

Balance

Getting stuck in a negative emotion can be dangerous and unhealthy. Being present with emotions and allowing them to be your guide brings peace, joy, and happiness. Getting stuck in negative emotions leads to depression, violence, and even suicide.

The emotional guidance scale helps us identify the emotion being experienced. Then understand how it is moving us closer to or further away from our ultimate goals of joy, happiness, and freedom.

When our red-car hating friend got divorced she had a choice. Be present with and process all of her anger and sadness or stay stuck in it. Facing her feeling would have allowed her to move through the stages of emotion from hate to anger to irritation and then someday on to optimism about her new life. Depending on the strength of these emotions she may have needed a professional to guide her through this process.

Instead, she kept the emotions locked deep down inside. She pretended to be O.K. and put on a strained smile and went about her life. She felt sad, easily drained, and like she was carrying a heavy backpack on her shoulders all the time. Time marched on and she remained stuck in an emotion that she now doesn’t even recognize the source of….until the date in the red car pulls up!

Learning how to be present with emotion allowing it to ebb and flow is a skill everyone can learn. Let’s take a look at a few ways to be present with your emotions.

Using Emotions in the Present as Guidance

Before we look at how to ride the wave of emotions and use them as guidance I want to mention an important distinction.

Not all emotions you feel are yours. Some individuals more easily feel and take on the emotions of those around them. Have you ever been in a room of people having a great time and then someone with a chip on their shoulder walked in? This person’s nasty vibe can easily be picked up by others in the room if they are not aware. Next thing you know you are in the car yelling at your kids and wondering how you went from a happy gathering with friends to expressing anger.

This is what Eckhart would call the collective pain body. Empathic individuals more easily feel and take on the emotions and energy of others. For now, what we need to be aware of is asking the question — is this my emotion? Or the emotion of someone else. If it’s someone else’s emotion release it back and recognize you have a choice now to call it your own or let it go.

Two ways to be present with your emotions

As I’m writing this today, the guilty verdict against Derrick Chauvin for the murder of George Floyd is being announced. I’m seeing comments on Facebook that show that some believe that just because George Floyd had a very checkered past is was O.K. that he was murdered at the hand of a police officer. One commenter says that’s what he gets for resisting arrest.

My emotions and my blood boil and I have to take a moment to practice what I’m teaching you.

First of all, I’m sitting present with my body. Experiencing the coursing hot and cold energy shooting through me — truly energy in motion. I’m enraged that anyone could have such disrespect for human life. I know that if I respond at this moment my response will be from anger. So instead I follow my ABCs of emotions:

ABC’s of Emotion Work

Aware — I’m aware and fully present with what I’m experiencing. This includes allowing any tears that want to flow, stomping my feet, or yelling out loud if needed. (It’s important that anyone present know this behavior is not being directed AT them and that they are mature enough to hold space for you. Otherwise, go somewhere private where you can freely express anything you need to)

Breath — I’m taking deep breaths to signal to my nervous system that I’m safe and it’s okay to calm down. A good deep breathing pattern is to inhale for 4 counts; hold for 2 counts; exhale for 4 counts; hold for 2 counts. Repeat this pattern until you feel a shift and subsiding with the energy.

Choose — Once the emotion has subsided and my actions are no longer driven by the emotions I can choose what, if any action I need to take. Allow yourself as much time as needed — whether that is 20 minutes or 2 weeks or 2 months. Sometimes an emotion is so deeply embedded that it takes time to unwind.

Emotions as Messengers

The second way you can be with your emotions is to view them as a messenger here to deliver an important insight to you. If that messenger was standing in your living room what would it be there to tell you? Learn to allow it to say whatever it is there to say without judging, making it right or wrong, or trying to shut it up.

At times the message comes quickly and clearly — other times it seems low to unfold so be patient!

In most cases, the message will have something to do with the original samskara(s) that are now being triggered and it can help one understand what is ready to be released and healed.

So today, instead of firing off some rapid responses on Facebook I did my ABC’s and allowed the emotion to subside. Then I asked — what about this is triggering such a deep emotional response? The answer came quickly.

I always fight for the underdog since often I WAS the underdog — or better said I wanted to fight for the underdog. Many times in the past I wanted to voice an opinion or stand up for a value. But I lacked the confidence that I could own my position with respect and didn’t trust that I could gracefully communicate with those who disagreed. So instead I chose silence. This deep emotion triggered all of those feelings of being silenced and belittled because of my differing perspective.

Today, because I have done my work I do have the confidence to communicate difficult things to others with complete respect to all opinions and people involved. (Watch for the lesson on Courage to Learn Conflict-free Communication). I am also smart enough to let the emotion subside before I communicate — otherwise, I risk communicating from an old unhealthy pattern.

Now that I’ve shared this real-world example with you I hope you have a better understanding of what it means to be present with emotions. Learning the skill of being present in the moment allows one to dissolve new and old emotions.

Summary

In this lesson we learned:

• Cultural conditioning influences how we feel about emotions.
• Holding Space for someone means allowing them the space to work through emotions in whatever way necessary without taking it personally. It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give or receive.
• The Hypothalamus acts as a mini-factory that generates a chemical match for every emotion that exists.
• Our cells develop additional receptor sites for commonly felt emotions which can leave us feeling “addicted” to an emotion. We can change this by using tools like gratitude.
• The pain-body is the collective energetic body of unresolved emotions that lives inside of each of us.
• A Samskara is an “emotional arrow” of unfelt/unprocessed emotion that gets stuck inside of a person causing them to build elaborate defenses so that wound is not triggered or poked.
• Not all emotions you experience are yours — feel free to give back the ones that are not yours!
• Learning the ABCs of being with emotions means that we can be Aware, Breath, and then Choose action once the energy of emotion subsides.
• Listening to emotions as a messenger gives insight into where there is a stuck/unresolved emotional wound.

Now, celebrate the next time you have an “emotional response” to something so that you can begin practicing your new tools!

The post Courage to Understand Your Emotions appeared first on Transcending Limits LLC.

Complete Guide to Inviting More Joy and Happiness into your Life

This is #Lesson 1 in a series of lessons that invite you to explore when and where it’s time for growth in your life. The series will offer lessons on the most common topics people ask me about in my work as a coach and provide insight and actions to implement with each lesson.

What Motivates Change

It’s been said many times that change happens for two reasons: either pain or pleasure. If you are in the category of change-making for pleasure and joy Congratulations! You are ahead of the majority of humanity! Most of us decide to change only when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

We can learn to use pain and emotional suffering as indicators that something isn’t working well in our lives. Emotions come in a full rainbow spectrum and learning to assess when change is needed is easier when we begin to understand the “Happiness Spectrum.” The courage to take action usually follows clarity and understanding.

The Happiness Spectrum represents the full range of emotions with the left representing unhappiness/anger/despair and the right representing happiness, joy, and freedom. It’s not a straight line because life really isn’t linear! Each day we can learn to experience a full range of emotions and embrace joy and happiness at the same time. (more on that later!)

Take a moment to check out the happiness spectrum below. Understanding when change either — small or large is needed begins with recognizing where you are today on the following Happiness Spectrum: Does your overall life feel intense, heavy, and sad? Or fun, lighthearted, free, and joyful? Or maybe you fall right in the middle — some days or moments swinging towards the left and other days swinging toward the right.

There is no right or wrong. What you will learn throughout this Courage to Change series is that we can use this spectrum to assess how we are doing over a lifetime or a moment. It’s neither good nor bad — it just helps us understand where we are and gives us feedback on how our thoughts, choices, and actions are working out for us.

So, whether it’s a lifetime of unhappy situations that have piled up and are ready to erupt like a volcano, or you are testing the unlimited potential of your soul to create the happiness you are in the right place. This series of Courage to Change wisdom lessons will bring your new insight on how to live a life that moves you consistently toward the happiness end of the spectrum. You may want to read them all in order as they are released, or watch for the particular topic that is most on your mind right now.

What is change?

Now, let’s take a look at exactly what change means in this context. We use the word change in many different ways: change the laundry, get change from the cashier, change your attitude. So in many instances, the word change really means to swap, exchange, or replace.

That is NOT what we will be talking about here. Most likely, you have tried this method of increasing your happiness and found it doesn’t work!

Have you ever left a job because your boss irritated you only to discover at the new job the same boss with a different name was there?

Or maybe the new job is great…until the same irritating co-worker with a different name is hired.

Maybe living in a certain town or moving to a new one seemed the solution to the problems, until you discovered wherever you go…there are your problems!

I think you get the idea! Most likely your memory rolodex has already provided you some examples from your own life!

So let’s be clear. When I speak about creating change in your life… it is not to SWAP one set of problems for another.

So how are we defining change in this context?

What I mean by change is growth. Personal growth. It’s connecting with the greatness of who we are mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. It’s reconnecting with the wise soul that really is YOU and letting go of all the other stories, cultural stereotypes, and family judgments that molded you.

Albert Einstein once said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

This is the change I am referring to. It’s all about choosing to upgrade and grow how we interact with ourselves, the people in our lives, and the world around us.

The majority of your values, thoughts, mindset, habits, actions, are rooted in what you observed during your formative years of 0–7. It’s a time when a young child has no filter to distinguish whether what they are learning is helpful, unhelpful, or just plain not even true.

So, unless you have intentionally gone through a learning and growth process where you chose to upgrade the original programming of your mind, there is a good chance you are operating from this outdated limited perspective.

Grab a notebook or journal and use the knowledge you have about your early life. Jot down the things you may have seen, learned, and heard. Be curious — maybe even ask a parent, sibling, or relative about this time in your life to discover things you don’t remember. This isn’t about judging, it’s about understanding the programs that are running inside of us subconsciously and finding what is ready to be upgraded!

Consider for a moment — what was the telephone like that you talked on as a child? What was your first cell phone like? What capabilities does your current phone have that these did not have? Just as it wouldn’t make sense to stubbornly stick with using the original “bag cellular phone,” it doesn’t make sense for us to continue to operate from our original life programs. (Those programs honestly may not have worked very well for the people we learned them from!)

This leads us to our motivation for change. To upgrade our happiness, experiences, enjoyment, and freedom it’s necessary to replace our old operating system with new information, tools, techniques, and ways of showing up that reflect the person we truly desire to be today.

Why do we want to change? (but sometimes feel like it’s hard to find)

This analogy of the phones perfectly describes the upgrade, growth, and change that you will discover here. The operating systems we received as children were just that — a set of things we learned. As long as we continue to operate from worn-out patterns and systems that don’t function correctly, life will be glitchy!

If change and growth produce happiness then why isn’t everyone doing it?

In my own life, and working as a leadership and life coach I have observed one main reason that individuals don’t embrace change:

They do not think it’s possible for them. Maybe for someone else. But not for them. Maybe they “tried” something once and it didn’t work. Maybe they have even “tried” a lot of things and this has left them feeling hopeless. Resigned. This is my “cross” to bear as the old cultural beliefs would have us believe.

Yet, even though there is this sense of resignation to how things are — knowing lives and grows much deeper inside of us. Maybe it feels like a flower tight inside its bud that is bursting to bloom or a caterpillar that has cocooned long enough and is ready to become a beautiful butterfly.

There is this deep sense of inner knowing that there is more to life. And YES — there is SO much more to life.

That deep sense of knowing and hope is the seed of your spirit that knows exactly who you are in your true essence. An unlimited, brilliant, soul that has the ability to morph and grow into a person who moves through life with confidence, grace, joy, and freedom.

Each soul that lives on this earth has come for a purpose. As the wise author, Tosha Silver tells us: “There’s a Sanskrit term, “Parabdha Karma:” the lessons that someone came to learn in a given life. A Divine AGENDA that a soul comes to master far beyond what the ego could request or even imagine.”

Why do we want to change?

The purest simplest reason that we desire to change is that we believe it will make our lives happier.

The second reason is it’s your personal path to discovering and living the greatest potential of who you are. That’s that inner alarm clock going off inside of you saying there has to be something more to this life. If you are reading this it most likely means you are ready to stop snoozing the alarm!

The third reason that motivates change is powerful. It’s actually what got me started on my own personal upgrade journey. I wanted to be a role model to my kids that there was a different way to live that would break generational patterns to pieces.

Here’s the sticky part on reason number three. If your motive is to change someone else without doing your own work first… you will be sorely disappointed. This is called controlling not changing. The essence of this is what Mahatma Gandhi said: “Be the Change you want to see in the world.” Role modeling a new way to others is powerful because it shows them that change IS possible because they see it in you! Without a map that points in a new way, we continue to follow an old map with no hope of change.

It’s my desire that these Courage to Change lessons act as the new roadmap for you so that you can begin enjoying a new sense of joy and freedom and shine your life brighter to light the path for others.

But….how does one know when it’s TIME for change?

How do we know it’s time for change?

Is it possible for me?

Just like when an app doesn’t work correctly, we know it’s time to find the updated version — that’s exactly how we know it’s time for change in our own life. So it’s time to look at where life feels “glitchy.”

Grab your notebook again and makes some notes on the following:

• What feels like it is going really well in your life right now? Notice things that seem effortless, bring you a lot of energy, and leave you looking forward to experiencing them again.
• What are the areas/things in your life that feel like they are just “there” that you are neutral about? They really evoke any emotion at all but yet they seem worthy to notice.
• Now, what feels “glitchy” to you? Notice the first few things that flash to your mind and jot them down. Then explore a bit further. What feels out of balance or like it’s rubbing sandpaper on your soul?

Using the issues or circumstances you noted above mark where you are at on the happiness spectrum with each item.

Here’s a simple truth! If something has been repeatedly causing you emotional pain and suffering then THAT is the indicator that it’s time for a change. The lessons ahead will help you decide exactly what change you choose. Here’s a word of caution on not tolerating pain too long.

A High Tolerance for Pain does not serve you!

Let’s take a moment to talk about a high tolerance for pain. It’s not a good thing! Our culture has conditioned us to “look the other way,” “don’t be a drama queen,” or the dreaded “quit being so sensitive.” At times we are guilted into tolerating the intolerable because of some old cultural-religious norm or ideology. These statements evoke a lot of judgment and usually keep us silent about what isn’t working in our lives. No doubt they were coined by people who didn’t have the emotional capacity to work through discomfort and uncertainty. Shaming others is the easy way out.

It makes sense to us that a cancerous tumor needs attention, treatment, and time to heal and recover from. Yet, when it comes to unseen, not so easy to grasp emotionally painful issues, it’s culturally been ok to tolerate a high level of pain and pretend like ignoring it will make it go away.

It doesn’t and it won’t.

I learned this early in my career as a manager in the corporate world. I was young and inexperienced and did not know how to skillfully address employee issues. So I ignored them. Then, I noticed that I would get to a point where I was so irritated that I couldn’t stand it anymore and I’d harshly address the employee. This caused a lot of frustration to the employee and quite a bit of emotional drama and stress for me.

Once I recognized this high tolerance for pain wasn’t working for me or in the best interest of my people, I developed a new way of dealing with things. I worked on my communication skills and my comfort with difficult conversations. Then, when I initially noticed a performance issue, I was able to bring it to the person’s attention, give them the direction on what needed to be done differently and set a time to follow up with them to evaluate the results.

You can imagine that the 2nd way of dealing with things worked out much better for me and the people that worked with me. I tell this story as a way of helping you understand

— if something is repeatedly coming into your awareness and causing you suffering, discomfort and unhappiness — THAT is the alarm clock going off asking you to wake up and grow.

I believe all situations in our life are there to act as teachers of needed life lessons. So, instead of avoiding those difficult areas, it’s time to look at them and ask what they are here to teach you.

When you learn that lesson change happens. It can’t NOT happen because when you make the choice to evolve, upgrade, and grow YOU become a new version of yourself.

I don’t know how to change.

The other question people get stuck on after how do I know it’s time for change, is I don’t know how to change. Really they are saying I really want to believe change is possible, and it might be for someone else…but I really don’t believe it is for me.

We all have a great capacity for change when we have a guide or guides to point us in a new direction. From there it’s just about learning to take new and different steps. A baby isn’t born running and we would not even expect that of a baby. So be gentle with yourself as you take baby steps in new directions. What once seemed impossible, now becomes possible with daily easy steps in a new direction. If it’s possible to be done and someone else has done it — it’s possible for you.

Then, you will look back and see how far you have grown. When the same situations arise you will respond to them differently which means a new outcome will follow. Most likely, you will notice that the old situations that caused you so much grief don’t even show up anymore.

So, are you ready? Have you tolerated pain and suffering in your life long enough? Are you ready to take the risk and believe that change IS possible for you?

I’m ready! — what next?

I’m so glad you asked!

This series was created as a guide to bring you awareness so that you can recognize where life is asking you to uplevel. It will provide opportunities and tools/exercises for you to work through and apply to real life. To support you in that change I suggest that you partner with other like-spirited individuals who also are seeking growth and change.

On my own journey of change, I have been surrounded by counselors, therapists, coaches, family, great friends, and annoying people, fears, and situations who became my greatest teachers. But without the support of those who were a few steps ahead, and the encouragement of others walking in the same direction — I would not be here writing this for you today. It is vital that you connect with others to inspire, encourage and most of all celebrate this journey of change!

As a starting place, I invite you to join my private Facebook community. Here you can connect with other like-spirited individuals who are also seeking to uplevel, enjoy life more, and are committed to the journey instead of the destination.

Summary

• We have learned that most people pursue change because of the emotional pain and suffering they are experiencing in life. Learning to evaluate how we are feeling using the Happiness Spectrum gives us the ability to assess what needs our attention at any moment.
• We also learned that change in this context does not mean swapping or trading one thing for another. Instead, it means growth, up-leveling. It’s like a cell phone upgrading its old glitchy apps for new versions that run smoothly and have enhanced features.
• We discovered that the majority of people don’t pursue change because they don’t feel it’s possible for them. However, we each have a seed of destiny that is growing inside urging us that we are meant for more than survival. In fact, we each have our own specially designed Prarabdha Karma which are the essential lessons we came to this earth to learn. Being a role model to others can also be a strong motivator for change.
• We learned that it’s time for change as soon as pain gets our attention. High tolerance for pain can leave us putting up with problems and situations in our lives that we have the capability to solve all along. So if something is repeatedly coming into your awareness and causing you suffering, discomfort and unhappiness — THAT is the alarm clock going off asking you to wake up and grow.
• If it’s possible for someone else, it’s possible for you.
• Join the Facebook Community to find other like-spirited individuals who also are seeking the Courage to Change.

The post Courage to Change Series: Complete Guide to Inviting more Joy and Happiness into Your Life appeared first on Transcending Limits LLC.

Lessons from a Horse

Stop Chasing and Begin Allowing

I believe things always happen for a reason. That there are no coincidences. Then sometimes a set of circumstances unfolds that even leaves me speechless. It’s how I feel as I write this story at 5:41 AM after a night of not being able to sleep.

I’ve learned that when I can’t sleep it’s most likely because some great piece of wisdom is shifting inside of me ready to come out. So, I don’t fight it and now I just get up and grab my pen and journal.

This sleepless night follows two months of slowing down and taking stock of what my next direction in life will be. I’m at a crossroads in many different ways and tonight the message that came through loud and clear is this:

When you make decisions based on your joy you will never be lost.

But that’s not exactly why I decided to document the pivoting awareness of the night.

You see, during my time of slowing down I caught the latest season of Heartland on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend it. The show is all about life on a ranch in Canada — and specifically about horses. Watching this season reconnected me with the enthusiasm and love I had for horses as a teen and re-ignited a longing in me to find a way to connect with horses sometime in the near future.

This energy of horses was alive in me and reminded me of a photo I took about fifteen years ago that has been sitting in my home ever since. It’s a picture of a horse that taught me a lesson — one that made a big enough impression at that time to document it by keeping a photo of the horse.

It wasn’t my horse.

It lived in the field next to where I worked. I’d often take a walk and try to coax the horse over so I could pet it. I tried everything I thought a horse would want — sugar cubes, apples, special “horse treats,” talking to it…and never once would the horse come even close to the fence where I stood.

Then, one day I was wrestling with an issue heavy on my mind. Deep in thought, I leaned against the fence staring off into the blue analyzing and solving the problem in my head. Then with no warning, the horse appeared over my shoulder. I had not heard or noticed it approaching! I stroked its nose and hugged it. It was very clear to me. The horse had to come on its own terms.

Allowing. Not Chasing. Ironically (no coincidences right?) that was the answer to the problem I had been puzzling over. It hit me like a rock between the eyes. I had to stop chasing and allow. So I documented the moment with a photo (so me…..it’s’ why I have 26,000+ photos on my hard drive!) and I even bought a special frame (so NOT me — my walls are pretty bare) to put the photo in.

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Ok, so back to a few weeks ago when I felt the energy to reconnect with horses. It also drew my awareness to the photo of the horse that had been resting on my piano for the past um — 15 years! That day I took the photo and placed it in my meditation corner. Even as I did it I sorta wondered why I was doing it.

Six weeks later, the awareness is shining like a spotlight — I have been chasing a lot of things in my life.

Chasing gives off a nasty vibe and has the opposite effect of actually pushing things away — whether it be people, money, time or love. Chasing gives the impression that what we desire is always somewhere out there in front of us — not quite reachable.

Have you ever tried to chase a feather? the air current from your chasing literally pushes it further and further away. Stop chasing it and it may just drift down and land at your feet.

As long as our mind and brain see something as “separate” from us, we unconsciously create circumstances that KEEP us separate from our desires. It’s why the same personality with a different name keeps showing up in our work or dating life, or just as we feel we are getting ahead financially the furnace dies and needs to be replaced.

Cognitively, it’s time to shift into allowing, seeing, and feeling what we desire as part of who we are now.

I always get hung up here in making decisions. My analytical brain is searching and trying to see how each decision is going to pan out 3, 5 or 20 years from now. It chased down this path, and then down another one and before I know it it’s chasing in circles attempting to make a decision on how I might or might not feel 20 years from now based on what may or may not unfold!

Most of what the ego-mind imagines is not helpful either. It’s full of negative possibilities.

Then tonight my inner wisdom reminded me that the emotional guidance scale has a full range of emotions — from the lowest depression and rage to the highest joy and excitement. And then the wisdom of how to make decisions from an allowing vs a chasing place emerged.

When you make decisions based on joy (your joy today, right now — not potential, possible joy 20 years from now!) you will never be lost.

That once sentence of wisdom caused me to grab a pen and make a quick choice wheel — something I invite anyone needing to make a decision to do.

A Choice Wheel is a simple tool — draw a circle on a piece of paper. Divide it into as many pie-shaped slices as you desire. Then write every possible — and even a seemingly impossible option on a slice of pie.

I quickly wrote down all of my alternatives. Doing this capture list on paper felt good and got all of the options out of my head.

Then instead of beginning to analyze each option trying to guess how I might feel about it 5 years from now, I asked one simple question:

 

On a scale of 1–10 how much joy does this option bring me right now at this moment?

I was shocked at the results! It was very clear that some of the options had much higher joy associated with them right now. Some of the options high in joy were the ones my mind bludgeoned to death with reasons it wasn’t “right.”

It was so clear.

Evaluating based on joy in the present moment (all that really exists!) gives a clear place to begin taking action from.

I’m committed to living and making decisions from my inner wisdom and this felt like it quickly guided me straight to that inner wisdom while avoiding the pitfalls of the mind. It was clear that the joyful decisions reflected the energy of allowing while the less joyful ones reflected the energy of should, trying and resistance — or summed up — chasing.

As all of this awareness snapped together in my head like puzzle pieces I randomly looked up and noticed the horse staring at me from my meditation corner. I get it now. My wise inner self was waking me up a few weeks ago…the energy of the horse needed to come back into my life to reaffirm and grow that seed of a lesson planted in me 15 years ago.

I paused to appreciate this entire string of events….my wise inner self knew I needed this lesson today — 15 years ago — and it orchestrated the set of events back then, including me taking the picture, buying the frame, and forgetting about it…for 15 years.

When it was time to awaken and embrace the lesson my inner wisdom used a TV show to nudge me to notice the photo and guided me to move it to an honored space. Front and Center. Right where I would see it and connect all of the dots to the lesson I needed to see tonight.

Tosha Silver says this about those “nudges” in her book It’s not your money: “Often, intuition comes through the spontaneous pull in your body…the spanda, or inner leap….and you get pulled from spot to spot.”

I’m asking you — have you spent your life chasing things like me? Has that left you worn out emotionally, mentally, and physically and disappointed? Chasing does that to you. It leaves you feeling short of the mark every time.

I invite you to stop chasing and take a new approach of allowing. Make decisions based on what makes you joyful and excited today. It’s going to feel very awkward at first. That’s okay. It’s just because you are asking your brain to do a new thing — and it’s very very used to doing an old thing. Don’t let feeling awkward stop you from giving it a try. Soon your brain will create new neural pathways and it won’t feel so strange.

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Here are a few that I have seen:

Companies who didn’t believe in employees “working from home” are now extremely willing and even mandating they work from home.

Society believed that kids needed to be educated in a brick and mortar school in a traditional classroom. Educational systems that functioned the same way for generations now are embracing how we can use new technology and approaches to educate from anywhere.

Families who were too busy most of their kids’ lives to have dinner together, take a vacation together, or just hang out — now are gifted the opportunity to eat together daily, have a staycation and find new ways to enjoy each other. (My own family has had more dinners together in the last few weeks than in the last few years and we are embracing Just Dance, biking and walks together.

Parents who left schools and sitters to educate and raise their kids are now taking front-line active roles to keep their kids’ education going.

What happens when all of the rules we hold sacred break?

It creates uncertainty. For some it creates fear and for others, it will be the time they dig deep and determine what old rules will never again “rule” their lives.

When all the old rules get so quickly thrown out the window and proven false it creates an amazing opportunity to re-think and re-write what is important. It’s a clean slate to design a way of living appropriate for our era.

The following are three questions for you to ponder, evaluate and reshape what you want the future to be!

What was I doing that was not working for me?

Most of us are comfortably uncomfortable in some area of life. What have you put up with and tolerated that is no longer working for you? You weren’t ready to acknowledge it or take action on it a few weeks ago. You feared the pain of change would be greater than the pain of staying the same.

Guess what! Your proverbial applecart is already upset so it’s a great time to acknowledge, evaluate and decide — do I still want this in my life when the new normal emerges?

Now is an opportunity to take action in new directions.

Let go of what no longer serves you.

What was I not doing that I really wanted to be doing?

The second question I encourage you to look inward — what are those inner longings; urges; callings; desires that you have been ignoring? What was put on the back-burner until you had “time” to think about it?

The authentic desires of our hearts come to us as feelings and thoughts that bubble up from inside.

Society has given us many messages about how honorable it is to put others first; to sacrifice our own desires for those of the people around us. But is that really true? Has it gotten you what you want or where you want to be? In truth, we all want the happiest, healthiest, best lives for those around us. The even greater truth is if we are not experiencing that happy, authentic life for ourselves we can’t role model for others.

Take some time and let your imagination fly. All the rules are broken right now anyway. What would you rather be believing about you and your dreams and goals for the future? Take some time to journal about it. If you are new to journaling you can download a starter journal page here.

How can I use this time to Heal and Connect?

The third question may be the most powerful recommendation I have. In my own life, there has been nothing more powerful than connecting to my own intuition and wisdom and healing the deep hurts that kept me tethered to the past.

We each have a powerful guidance system within us. When we get to know and trust the voice of our intuition (some call it spirit, source, or God) anything becomes possible.

I can recall many times when I did not listen to that voice — one recently a few days before the stock market crashed that urged me to sell some shares of stock that I was about to cash out anyway! (I still don’t always listen and this was another lesson in trusting my own intuition because I did not sell!). I also know the beautiful feeling of listening to that inner wisdom and following it. It is what allows me to be here writing this to you now — living my dream of being an entrepreneur and coach being the guide others make pivoting life changes.

My inner wisdom has also led me to the hurts and sore spots in my soul that were ready to be healed. I work with so many women who have these amazing things they want to create in the world but fear, doubt, worthiness, and confidence holds them back. Each time these feelings are tied to roots of wounds that are ready to be healed. When those wounds are healed and the roots pulled, they claim their authentic power and begin showing up in the world and creating their dreams.

It’s up to you — during this time when all the rules of life are being re-written you have some choices. Will you turn in-ward and begin to re-write life how you want it to be? Or will you, in the end, allow society to create new rules around you that you conform to.

It’s up to you. The chains are being broken and you can allow your spirit to fly to freedom.

Or

You can wait for the new chains that society will no doubt create and once again be chained down by life.

As for me and my house — we choose to fly unchained. Will you come soar with us?

Vicki Haddock is a life an business coach who empowers women to connect with their own inner wisdom, heal the hurts that hold them back, and embrace their authentic purpose in order to build their Eiffel Tower size dreams.  If you would like more guidance on how you can do this in your own life reach out to her at vicki@tslimits.com

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